TESTIMONY FROM K. MARIE

As my Blog (Bread For Believers) continues to acquire readers and
followers, I have discovered that other people are also serving the 
Lord in various capacities.
 
Recently a new follower joined and when I went to her Blog, I found an 
honest, straight forward testimony. With her approval, I am sharing this 
for others to read. I have also included her Blog at the bottom in case 
you want to see her postings, leave a comment, etc. Hope you enjoy her 
testimony as much as I did.
 
Thank you K. Marie for your permission to share your testimony, 
and for taking the time to post it for others to see. 

I changed some fonts to reflect in order to highlight the sections that 
could not be duplicated when posting here (hopefully I did not change any 
content in the process).

Don (Philippians 2:3 / Colossians 3:17)

TESTIMONY OF K. MARIE:

LUKEWARM:
I once was stuck in that bland zone between hot and cold; many call it 
“lukewarm.” When I think of lukewarm I imagine a pasty, solidified 
globule of room-temperature oatmeal sitting on the counter, or maybe 
a cup of over-sugared tea that was left to steep and then forgotten for 
several hours.
 
Both of these are unpalatable and really quite useless unless you nuke 
them in the microwave for a bit. Back in the day lukewarm was basically 
the sum of my zeal for God. I was about as enthusiastic as plain, mushy 
oatmeal.
 
As a kid I went to Church with the family every now and again. Ma and 
Dad dragged me there for Sunday School or what not, but it kind of just 
felt like something I was supposed to do.
 
GEORGE WASHINGTON, WINSTON CHURCHILL, JULIUS CAESAR, MOSES?
My acquisition of knowledge about Bible stories at church was no different 
than a history lesson at a regular school. Yah sure, I went to school cause I 
had to and they would teach me about a person or event in history. I would 
learn it, go home, watch cartoons, and not really think about it again.
 
Same with the stories in the Bible. Somewhere in the cobwebs of my mind, 
tucked away like wilted, yellowing bookmarks were Moses, Abraham, 
Joshua…and a man named Jesus.
 
I WAS "SORT OF" CHRISTIAN:
All my life I had believed…sort of. I identified as a Christian…sort of. 
I didn’t think about it much though. I guess I was “sort of” a Christian. 
Either way, my spiritual low point had to be when I went away to college…

I HAD NO SCRUPLE ABOUT BEING A WORLDLY PUPIL:
College was an amazing experience. It was full of opportunity. I took full 
advantage of the college experience and to this day I still get sentimental 
about that time. It was a high point in every aspect of my life except for my 
walk as a Christian.
 
During my undergraduate programs, I attended secular universities. The 
majority of my friends were not Christians. My boyfriend was certainly not 
Christian. My family at the time was in a state of lukewarm Christianity like 
myself. I had fully stopped attending church at this point as well. I had no 
Christian connections. None.
 
I learned a lot of amazing things at those schools, but in retrospect I was 
also learning many things that were contradictory to the Word of God. 
Pppppfff….but I didn’t care. Not much at all. I had too much going for me.
 
ACCOMPLISHMENT IS NEXT TO GODLINESS...RIGHT?
I was on top of the world. I was learning about all types of philosophies 
and worldviews. I was hanging out and drinking coffee with open-minded, 
diverse people. My grades were on point. I was inducted into three honor 
societies and made regular appearances on both the Dean’s and Chancellor’s 
List.
 
I was just one heck of a busy little bee. I was working on helping to edit 
the school’s literary magazine and getting articles published in the school 
newspaper. I was performing music at open mic nights. I had an awfully
cute boyfriend too. Yah. I guess I was pretty pleased with myself…
 
ONE PART CHRISTIANITY, A DASH OF MORAL RELATIVITY, 
TWO PARTS NATURALISM, AND JUST A PINCH SPIRITUALISM:
At this point in time, I was starting to doubt a lot of what I saw as outdated, 
lofty  Bible stories. Specially the seriously stanch rules in the bits and pieces 
of the Old Testament  I had actually read. I didn’t discount the Bible totally 
because I was an “awesome,” “free thinking” person.
 
My worldview started to become a thin, scummy soup that was over 
powered by too many competing flavors and spices. My logic at the
time? “Hey, the New Testament isn’t all too bad. That Jesus guy was 
nice. I’ll keep Him in the mix somewhere…maybe.” I was starting to 
stir together a lot of opposing ideas and principles. The result was a
sludgy gruel of contradiction and gray area. On top of that, it was a
lukewarm soup.
 
I was happy in college…but then I graduated. That is when I got stuck 
in a professional and an emotional rut that dragged me down to a deep, 
dank pit of despair…

THIS IS WHERE IT STARTS TO GET DARK:
Here is the point where it starts to get personal. For all you Star Wars fans, 
this part of my testimony would be the Empire Strikes Back of the series. 
This is not easy to write, but I realize in deciding to undertake the endeavor 
of sharing one’s testimony a certain level of transparency and brutal honesty 
is required.

DON'T GIVE IN TO HATE, THAT LEADS TO THE DARK SIDE!
I had spent just about my entire life being a student in school. I had always 
had a structured existence. As I grew older and wiser, I have come to 
recognize my weaknesses. One of the things I soon discovered after college 
is that I struggle with personal independence. My biggest flaw is panicking 
when not having someone to hold my hand.

When school was done I was totally lost and certainly not ready to “adult” 
on my own. After doing a required internship at the end of my studies, I 
discovered I did not have the desire or drive for what was intended to be 
done with my degree. Months to years passed without me doing anything 
all that constructive, at least not by my definition of constructive.

My life became a lonely, standing puddle of water. It stopped flowing and 
things began to become stagnant. I also began to feel a pervasive resentment 
and envy that consumed my entire being…

STUCK IN THE PIT:
I watched as my peers settled in homes of their own, started families, and 
acquired fantastic career positions. Soon it wasn’t just people my age doing 
these things but people younger than myself. I felt like my growth was 
suddenly stunted and I longed for my productive years in college. The demon 
of envy began to grow stronger and stronger in my heart as I observed others 
progressing.

I fell into a series of jobs that were comfortable at best, but certainly did not 
stir any type of passion within me. Not one of them was something I could 
see myself doing the rest of my life. Towards my lowest point, I landed a 
bartending job in my small town and I stayed at this job for quite awhile.

I am grateful for my experiences there and for the people I have met, but I 
became a complacent sponge. I allowed myself to absorb all the gossip and 
drama that came through the door. I also watched as people destroyed their 
lives with addiction. Not only did I watch, I participated by regularly serving 
them. Need I mention that I myself began to drink heavily as well? I was 
drinking six out of seven days a week, and not just socially. I wasn’t taking 
care of my health or my spirit.

By no means am I blaming this unhealthy part of my life on my job as a 
bartender. Bar tending can be a noble career if done correctly, but in 
retrospect I realize that for the state of mind I was in, this job was not good 
for me nor was it what God wanted for me. I was falling deeper and deeper 
into the pit.

ALL YA NEED IS LOVE! BUT WHAT IF IT ENDS UP BEING A LIE?
I discovered shortly before graduating that the man I believed I had loved 
and wanted to marry was more or less a pathological liar. Nearly everything 
he had ever told me was a complete lie. Everything that I believed I loved 
about him was a lie. Whatever he had said about loving me I came to believe 
was also a lie. He had been doing nothing but lying, cheating, and doing a lot 
of unspeakable things behind my back (things I will never repeat).

As a young, inexperienced person, his betrayal is something that took a 
huge emotional toll on me. Later, I would become so jaded with love 
that his actions would almost become the expected norm, but back then, 
the first cut was the deepest. It killed me. I had no idea people were capable 
of being so deceptive. I was that naïve. I don’t want to say the cliché phrase, 
“it scarred me for life” but I can’t think of any other way to describe it.

Now, I will not put the blame for my downward spiral on another person 
or be a victim. We are all lost in some way. We have our own battles and 
struggles. After many years I forgave him.

This event however sparked something in my mind that caused me to 
self-destruct. After this, there would be a sequence of awful relationship 
choices for years to come. I don’t want to get too far into the department 
of my failed romances and painfully rehash every detail, but let’s just say 
it is filled with bad decision after bad decision. Looking back, I can honestly 
say that there is not one person I gave a part of myself away to that I do not 
deeply and painfully regret.

FACING MY DEMONS:
I’d say the majority of the men I was drawn to all had similar traits as the first. 
The relationships had a common vein running through them. All the guys 
ended up treating me sub-par, sometimes using me, most the time hiding 
things from me, and/or eventually cheating on me. In addition, they brought 
out the worst in me.

After multiple failures at painfully trying to salvage these relationships I had 
to begin to face my demons.

My perception of my own self-worth was based on how these people treated 
me (in case you’re wondering, they did not treat me well). I also liked the 
feeling of being needed and since I was lacking direction in other areas of life 
I felt that by helping another broken person I was somehow succeeding.

Something else that was plaguing me was extreme trust issues. With each 
relationship I was enslaved by jealousy and suspicion.

I was selling myself short and accepting crummy, half-hearted efforts. I was 
afraid to be alone. I was letting others determine my worth. I was allowing 
jealousy destroy every good thing I had done for these people. In the process 
I was sinning against myself, and continuing my steady descent into the pit.

I truly felt like a mess in most aspects of my life. I was disillusioned by love 
and life in every way.

I’M NO PSYCHIATRIST, BUT...
What did I discover through all this? Well, I had to come to terms with the 
fact that I had a serious issue. For a long time I thought it was a disorder in 
my mind.  For a long time I blamed the men I let into my life. For a long time 
I blamed my parents (mind you my parents did everything they could for me. 
By no means are they bad parents). For a long time I blamed my job. But 
when it was all said and done, there was no one left to blame but myself.

The problem wasn’t everything else, the problem was a soul issue. When 
you have a broken soul, you exhibit physical and emotional symptoms.

SYMPTOMS OF A BROKEN SOUL:
•    Inability to cope with reality
•    Addictions
•    Repeating the same mistakes over and over
•    Lack of growth and direction
•    Abandonment issues
•    Feelings of worthlessness
•    Constant sense of something missing.
•    Feelings of emptiness despite having everything
•    Always lonely, even when with others
•    Restless
•    Unquenchable dissatisfaction
•    Easily let down by others
•    Extreme trust issues
•    Anxiety and depression
•    Deep need for validation from others
•    Lack of identity and low self esteem
•    Reoccurring nightmares
•    Feelings of total despair

Based on my experience, a broken soul is brutal. That kind of issue doesn’t 
go away. That issue follows you no matter what job you have, how much 
money you make, how talented you are, how successful you are, what meds 
you take, where your move to, or who you are with. Some things may be able 
to distract you from it for a time, but eventually it will manifest itself.

I didn’t really understand what was happening when it manifested itself in my 
life. All I knew is that there was a strange unhappiness that became a constant 
fixture in me. I felt a formless, inexpressible weight that I could not explain to 
others. This weight could never be set down no matter where I was or what I 
was doing. All I could do was carry it.

This was my struggle. 
I needed help that nothing in this world could give me…

FROM LUKEWARM TO A ROLLING BOIL:
Christianity is not like a pill that makes everything in the temporal plane 
instantly perfect, at least that isn’t how it worked for me.
 
Many people have miraculous testimonies where they overcame a difficult 
struggle, or had a huge change of life that brought them to God. Some have 
had a “BOOM” moment when it suddenly hit them, and they were 
instantaneously flooded with the Holy Spirit.
 
So sometimes it is like a sudden boil over; God abruptly ignites a huge flame 
that engulfs the once lukewarm pot of a person’s faith. For me it was more 
gradual, as though He slowly turned up the burner.
 
There was no sudden moment that I decided to become a true, practicing 
Christian. It was more like a gentle shaping of my inner being, or a calm 
pull in my soul that eventually brought me face down at the feet of Jesus 
Christ.
 
CAN LOVE BE ABSOLUTE?
The day I realized I was changing I remember asking a friend of mine, 
“Say, do you think there is anything absolute about humanity?” He 
facetiously replied, “Just that we all die.” He may have been joking, 
but something about that made me panic.
 
I needed something solid, unchanging, truthful, and ceaseless. I realize 
that I had always wanted love to be absolute, but from my experience 
human love can be fickle, it can change, or sadly it can end… due to…well 
death.
 
I refused to accept that death was more powerful than love…there had 
to be a way that love was absolute.
 
SEEK AND YOU WILL FIND:
All my life, I looked for wholeness in people, romance, philosophies, 
sciences, classes, jobs, travels, accomplishments, and there was no 
change. For years I felt so fed up with the inconsistency and flimsiness 
of everything about  human existence.
 
Through all this seeking and also through the process of aging, I simply 
started changing; Slowly but surely there was a shift in my point of views 
and things that I once valued.
 
Goals I initially considered so significant eventually became petty and 
selfish. Ideas I once upheld and blended into my worldview became 
ridiculous. People I once idolized turned out to not be as great as I once 
had thought.
 
Things I read in the Bible slowly began to fit together. I remember picking 
the Bible up one day just to see if I could get some answers from it. It was 
like a fog began dissipating and suddenly the things I was reading made 
sense and not only that but also offered hope.
 
One of my favorite verses is John 16:33, “…In the world ye shall have 
tribulation: but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” (KJV). I 
read this and I was touched by an overwhelming sense of hope.
 
HE HAS BEGUN A GOOD WORK IN ME:
“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work 
in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ,” (Phil 1:6, KJV).
 
I have attributed the gradual change in my heart to God. Like a sculptor, 
he has always been working on me, and slowly chiseling away; He used 
my experiences, my emotions, my decisions, and my mistakes to shape 
who I am today and to draw me near to Him.
 
Looking back on life, I recognize His presence even though I was constantly 
distracted. Not only that, I recognize His sovereignty and how He works all 
things together for our good. Even before I acknowledged Him, I now 
recognize that he was protecting me in ways I cannot explain. Some of my 
decisions were so reckless, so crummy…I can’t even understand how I am 
still alive sometimes.
 
I’ve learned to not live from product to product (or accomplishment to 
accomplishment) but rather to enjoy the process by which God leads me 
to certain milestones in life. I have found my identity as a child of God. I 
also realize the importance of gauging my worth based on God’s love for 
me instead of how the world around me treats me.
 
My dependency on God is so great now, that if tomorrow He suddenly 
turned His back on me it would be the end for me. But thankfully he 
promises me that he will never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). 
Unlike so many things I have placed on the throne of my life in the past, 
God is the only thing that will never let me down.
 
I began to genuinely pray, not just to ask God to help me, but to express 
my gratitude for all he has done for me. I got re-baptized after consciously 
accepting Christ as my savior. I found a church family and have a deep 
interest in learning everything I can about God and His Word.
 
I decided to further my studies. Do I think my graduate studies in theology 
will land me a dream job? Not likely, but it is still every bit worth it if it can 
help me share the gospel, write about Him, and talk about Him with others.
 
GOD ISN'T DONE WITH ME YET:
In the years that have passed, I have indeed become a strong Christian. The 
way it happened though was not like Paul on the road to Damascus. The 
process, for me, was slow. Christianity hasn’t necessarily made life easier 
either.
 
Becoming a Christian actually makes many things harder. Temptation to sin 
doesn’t go away. The world in some ways becomes a colder place. Jesus even 
says that we must take up our own cross and follow Him (Matt 16:24, 
Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23). What Jesus means by this is that when we become 
Christians we face the possibility of losing friends, family, respect, dignity, 
careers, sometimes even our very lives.
 
Christianity has given me a sense of peace within the storm. It has given me 
something solid to stand on when everything else falls apart. It gives me 
something to cling to when aspirations fail, people hurt me, and life just takes 
its toll. Even when all seems to be lost, I still have everything. It is the one thing 
that death cannot take away.
 
IN CONCLUSION:
A lot of people will say that they have hit rock bottom in their life at some 
point, but often they never stop to think why there is a rock bottom. Why 
don’t we just keep falling?
 
We end up hitting rock bottom because we fall through the shifting sand of 
the human experience, and yet there is something solid that we land on once 
we fall through.
 
I’ve heard it expressed before that the rock at the bottom is actually God. 
When all else fails and we are at our lowest, he is still there stopping the fall. 
To this I fully agree.
 
I do not claim to have all the answers, but I know where to search to find them. 
I am not a good Christian, but God has encouraged me to try harder. I do not 
claim to demonstrate a victorious Christian life, but there is still victory in 
Christ. This is not because of what I have done or how I have succeeded since 
accepting Christ, but because of what Christ has done for me.

K. MARIE
https://linesoflazarus.wordpress.com/