I conducted a non-scientific survey asking a diverse group of married couples about marriage. There were a total of 14 questions (listed below, along with their unedited responses).
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:21-33)
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What are some reasons two people decide to get married?
- To get out of the house (gain independence).
- For financial reasons (combined incomes).
- In love (can’t live without the other).
- Both have the same interests.
- Want to spend more time together.
- Lonely and need companionship.
- On the rebound (someone they thought they loved got married).
- It’s the thing to do (marrying the idea of marriage).
- They want to start their own family.
- Freedom to do things together at any time.
- Just go through with it even though they have second thoughts.
- Fulfill expectations of others (others assumed they would get married).
- Premarital pregnancy.
- Feel like they have to have a man or woman in their life.
- Found someone with the same beliefs.
- An overall need for companionship.
- Chemistry of the attraction of opposites.
- Going off to war and want someone to come home to.
- To get away from parents.
- Physical attraction to each other; sex.
- All their friends are getting married.
- Need someone to take care of them (avoid having to make a career choice).
NOTE: According to the divorce rate, apparently
more than half the people get married for the wrong reasons.
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What are some highlights in the early years of marriage?
- Clothes are washed and ironed. - Birth of children. - Get to know each other in a different way. - See the inner qualities in each other. - Develop a friendship with each other. - Freedom to do things whenever (before children). - Companionship; have someone to do things with; sex. - Making a home together (nesting). - Making decisions together (buying home, etc.).
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What are some stresses in the early years of marriage?
- Financial (have to buy things to get started; who manages bank accounts?).
- Give up independence (consideration for spouse must be factored in;
have to think in terms of “we”, instead of “me”).
- Accountability (accountable to each other, and not just to self).
- Changes in priorities (two to consider now).
- Balancing of responsibilities (between each other).
- Learning to compromise.
- Children (children from previous marriage, if 2nd marriage).
- In-laws (intrusions, demands, and expectations).
- Jobs (especially when long hours are required;
or if one is a workaholic).
- Holidays change (where to spend them and for how long).
- Merging of two lifestyles.
- Stop doing things you enjoy
in order to spend time with your spouse.
- Adjusting to in-laws.
- Having kids too early.
- Household chores.
- Adjusting to the habits of each other.
- Agreement on thermostat settings.
- Less spare time.
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What are some challenges in the early years of marriage?
- Developing confidence and trust in each other. - Learning to accept the faults and bad habits of each other. - Learning to make joint decisions. - Balancing activities (with consideration for each other). - Giving up independence. - Expectations of marriage are not met. - Dealing with arguments (that probably weren’t there when dating). - Acceptance of the friends of spouse. - Learning to make financial decisions together.
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What are some disappointments in the early years of marriage?
- Spouse didn’t change like you hoped they would.
- Wanted to have children and found out you could not.
- Spouse no longer accepts your friends.
- Job causes you to have to move to another city.
- Expected to be successful early, but it didn’t happen.
- Found some surprises about your spouse that you didn’t expect.
- Discovered there were issues with in-laws.
- Found that a great marriage requires more work than expected
(may have had unrealistic expectations).
- Lack of communications.
- Spending less time together.
- Money problems (debts).
- Found that the values of your spouse were not the same as yours.
- Find that your enjoyment of marriage is fading.
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How does a marriage change when children are added to the family?
- More stress.
- Less sleep.
- Less time to do things you want to do.
- Life becomes less boring.
- Find a new joy that never existed before; a different kind of joy.
- Have less time to spend with each other.
- Less spontaneity.
- Time becomes more scheduled; routines are established.
- Draws the spouses together in a new way.
- See a side of your spouse you have never seen before.
- Find out what it’s like to take pride in your children
and want to show them off.
- Strengthens the family unit.
- Discover just how amazing the birth of a child can be.
- Discover a new level of love.
- Develop a new respect for and appreciation for your own parents.
- Discover you have new things to worry about.
- Prayer life increases.
- Learn how to be a nurse.
- Discover some of your own weaknesses.
- Disappointment if you find one spouse is not a good parent.
- Discover you are a lot like your own parents.
- Realize the importance of teaching values to your kids.
- Realize the importance of taking (not sending) them to church.
Note: Many couples stop going to church when they first get married.
- Become more sensitive to who you are and how you are perceived.
- Learn the importance of having your spouse as an ally.
- Your perspective of other children changes.
- Start losing touch with your friends
(especially those without children).
- Discover that you and your spouse
have different parenting philosophies.
- Your in-laws tend to visit more often.
- You become a taxi driver.
- Find that you have a new capacity for loving and enjoying kids.
- You tend to relive your childhood through your kids.
- You discover that other parents give their children more freedoms
which puts pressure on you in trying to be protective of your
children.
- Your jobs change (you have to be a parent).
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What are some of the most significant changes between the early years of
the early years of marriage and a marriage that has lasted 10-20 years? - Your spouse tends to mellow out. - Develop better communication with each other. - Get into more of a comfort zone. - Develop a better ability to compromise. - Learn to enjoy each other more; love each other at a new level. - Learn to change to make the relationship better. - Develop an ability to see humor in things that used to be frustrating. - Learn to accept the faults of your spouse. - Develop an ability to be supportive of each other. - Learn to work together. - Learn the value of spending more time together. - Develop an ability to overcome obstacles, together. - You learn to be more forgiving. - You grow closer as a couple. - You develop a better understanding of your spouse (their needs and wants; what makes them happy, etc.). - You learn to be open and honest. - You develop a common ground with each other.
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What are some of the highlights in a long-term marriage?
- Learn you can depend on each other.
- Your love for each other has grown.
- You can see God’s work in your lives.
- Find comfort in knowing that you pray for each other.
- Develop a sense of security.
- Develop stability.
- Watching your kids grow.
- Appreciation of the things you have accumulated.
- Find that you have become a team.
- Reflect on the memories you built together.
- Can anticipate the reactions of your spouse; avoid arguments.
- Getting house paid for.
- Find that you know and accept each other more.
- Developed an ability to see humor in things; avoid battles.
- Find that you have become good friends.
- Don’t have to finish all your sentences.
- You learn to pick your battles
(you don’t always have to be right).
- You build memories together.
- You learn to enjoy the day to day companionship
and thoughtfulness.
- You become less selfish;
you realize the importance of your spouse.
- You learn that possessions
aren’t as important as they used to be.
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What are some disappointments in a long-term marriage?
- Have to take care of each other.
- Find that you don’t have the same beliefs.
- Find that the relationship hasn’t grown.
- Find that you have different opinions on how to raise children.
- Everything didn’t turn out the way you hoped it would.
- Careers didn’t pan out.
- Kids didn’t turn out the way you expected (hoped).
- Loss of job.
- Loss of spouse.
- Life’s difficulties drove a wedge between the two of you.
- Disappointed that you sacrificed a career to raise your children.
- Find that you have lots of responsibilities with elderly parents.
- Challenges in general as you grow older.
- Your families are different;
never could enjoy fellowship together.
- Spouse develops a long-term illness.
- Your spouse’s hearing loss causes them to talk really loud.
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What suggestions would you give to two people
who are thinking about getting married?
- Realize it’s for life; long-term and not just a long date.
- It’s not an easy commitment.
- Work out things before marrying (responsibilities, etc.).
- Develop and maintain good communications.
- Discuss your philosophies on raising children.
- Don’t ever think that just having kids
will bring you closer together.
- Agree on financial matters
(who is in charge of bank account, etc.).
- Don’t have kids too early
(along with kids is a loss of some freedoms).
- Discuss what both of you expect of marriage.
- Be sure to allow each other some space.
- Don’t ever forget you are still individuals,
but marriage is a partnership.
- Don’t marry who you hope the other person will become.
- Discuss with minister (they can reveal many blind spots).
- Develop a respect for each other before marrying.
- Realize you can do a splendid job of raising your children
and they can still make some bad decisions.
- Discuss things like work, travel,
moving to another city, etc. before marrying.
- Decide ahead of the marriage
if one will sacrifice a career to raise your children.
- Discuss your beliefs before marriage;
which church will you attend?
- Be open to change (expect it).
- Learn to forgive.
- Discuss interests, hobbies, sports, etc.; you will be spending
your life together so you need to have some common ground.
- Realize that with children comes commitment.
- Look at how your future spouse’s parents treat each other;
often these traits are passed to the next generation.
- Always remain faithful to each other
(no matter how great of a temptation comes along…and they will).
- Plan on doing things together early in the marriage
and as a family later when you have children.
- Think about how you want to be remembered by your spouse.
- Remember special occasions (think of your spouse’s expectations).
- Realize that a successful marriage is a job,
it doesn’t just happen.
- You need to have an appreciation for each other.
- Be willing to try something new
(especially if your spouse enjoys it).
- You will have to face blending with your extended family members.
- Know your strengths and weaknesses;
discuss them before getting married.
- Be realistic; don’t be blinded by love, there will be some
difficult times.
(these times can either draw you closer or push you apart).
- Keep the lines of communications open.
- Learn to discuss issues instead of arguing about them.
- Learn to exercise self control and don’t yell at each other.
- Learn that love is an action and not a feeling;
God doesn’t ask us to “feel”, He asks us to love;
“feeling” love first is just lust. The world tends to view
love as a feeling which leads to misconceptions
and unrealistic expectations of marriage.
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What advice would you give a married couple
who are thinking about having children?
- Realize they will expose you to others (good or bad).
- Enjoy them and the way they change as they grow older.
- Don’t expect perfection (we aren’t perfect).
- Always try to keep a sense of humor.
- Set aside time for you and your spouse.
- Don’t expect to be prepared to have a child
(financially or emotionally).
- Always remember they are a gift from God.
- Be nice to them (one day you will be old
and they will have to take care of you).
- Keep the lines of communication open
(not only with your children, but also with your spouse).
- Remember that children judge us
by what they see and not by what they hear.
- Don’t blame your spouse for the bad things they do.
- Always present a united front
(show that you and your spouse agree).
- Ask God to help you raise your children (pray for them often).
- Realize that you are the greatest witness in your child’s life.
- Borrow someone else’s children first (a 2-year and 15-year old).
- Realize they don’t stay little forever (they become teenagers).
- Pray about having children.
- Discuss with each other your views on raising children.
- Discuss who will be the caretaker.
- Think about how much you are willing to give up.
- Be sure your spouse will be around to help.
- Involve them in church (programs, sports, etc.).
- Discuss plans for family devotionals.
- Wait awhile; learn to enjoy each other first.
- They change your life;
it is a lifetime commitment (it’s not like getting a puppy).
- Be ready for the responsibility.
- It can change the balance of power; the mother becomes
more in charge; husband doesn’t get as much attention.
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What are some things wives want/expect from their husbands?
- Be the spiritual leader of the home.
- Be faithful (to spouse and to God).
- Be supportive of your wife and children.
- Demonstrate and express love to your wife and children.
- Be a disciplinarian
(a father’s discipline is different than a mother’s).
- Be a companion and a friend.
- Be actively involved in children’s activities.
- Provide financial support for the family.
- Help with things around the house; don’t always wait to be asked.
- Have an active relationship with the Lord.
- Live your faith as an example for the children.
- Communicate (share needs, hurts, funnies, goals).
- Keep a sense of humor.
- Pray with spouse and family.
- Make time for fun; be willing to try something different.
- Remind spouse of things you like/appreciate about them.
- Give praise and encouragement to spouse.
- Take time to listen or give a hug.
- Provide constructive criticism in a kind but not critical manner.
- Pick up after yourself.
- Be romantic.
- Give a genuine compliment;
occasionally do something sweet for no special reason.
- Take care of your health, relax; you are important to us.
- Don’t get so wrapped up in yourself
that you overlook what’s going on with the rest of the family.
- Show respect for your spouse’s opinion
(even if it’s different than yours).
- Be willing to admit when you are wrong.
- Don’t be too proud to apologize; be honest and sincere.
- Be sure your children know you love and respect your spouse.
- Praise the quality characters of your spouse and children.
- Control anger.
- Teach children how to do things.
- Basically be perfect (wink).
- Treat us the same as when we were dating.
- Don’t get so wrapped up in the kids that we are overlooked.
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What are some things husbands want/expect of their wives?
- Be supportive.
- Be an encourager to your spouse.
- When you ask for my opinion, don’t get mad when I give it.
- Take care of household duties (if not working outside the home).
- Be a loving mother to the children
(including nursing their hurts).
- Put the needs of the family ahead of her wants.
- Be my conscience (even though I may not like it at times).
- Remember husbands need an outlet (hunting, fishing golf, etc.).
- Read my mind.
- Don’t ask me questions after I have gone to another room.
- Don’t bother me when I’m working on something difficult;
keep the kids out of the way.
- Remember we have a responsibility
to raise our children to be decent, God-fearing people.
- Keep a sense of humor.
- Give compliments and praise to spouse;
mention positive things about spouse in the presence of others.
- Remember we tend to have routines;
plan for them as much as possible.
- Don’t expect us to be supermen; leave that to us.
- Don’t always expect us to make the plans for going out to dinner,
movie, etc. (remember you can make dates too).
- Occasionally, cook things we like that may not be good for us.
- Don’t always try to read more into what we say than what is
there; don’t look for opportunities to be suspicious.
- Realize that when we are quiet,
it doesn’t mean we are mad (or having an affair).
- Accept the fact that we may not be as gossipy about others
(we use a lot less words).
- Learn to accept non-verbal expressions of love.
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What do you think God wants for a married couple?
- Always put Him first. - Learn to serve and enjoy Him and His Word together. - Be faithful to each other. - Be committed to each other, and to Him. - Maintain the family concept. - Keep a forgiving attitude. - Love each other. - Raise your children to love the Lord; you are their best witness. - Become one, which means blending our personalities.
Don Woodruff (Phil. 2:3 / Col. 3:17) BLOG: utvolwoody.wordpress.com
BREAD FOR BELIEVERS 
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